Its been a couple of weeks since I have updated. I suppose I only get the courage to express myself every now and then. Ninety-nine percent of the time I cannot bear to think about it. Although, for me, talking about it is healing. I feel so much better afterwards. Its been almost nine months since the attack yet I still struggle to believe it actually happened. Despite the physical and mental scars, it still feels like a bad dream.
Right now I have another drama to face. From the beginning there has been police intervention. Now there are court dates. Five so far. Though three have only actually gone to court. The Crown Prosecution people keep putting off his sentencing. Its hard to describe how tense and nervous I get when a court date is coming up or how angry and disappointed when it does not happen. This time, however, I have been assured it will happen and I have decided to go to Derby Crown Cort myself to see the judge deliver his sentence.
He has already pleaded guilty to Wounding/ Grievous Bodily Harm with Intent. So, ont he 13th of april, the detective who has been the head of this case will take me and my mum there. There is many reasons I want to go. I want him to see I am strong. I want to personally see him acknowledge and pay for what he has done. Mostly, I want to see him in person in a controlled enviroment as it is very likely he will be released this time. I am terrified I will see him walking around where we both live. I want to be ready for that and if I see him for the first time while surrounded by police and my mum, maybe it won't be so hard in the real world. I will admit, it will be hard not to jump into the court room and kick the living daylight out of him but I will abstain!
I am taking every day as it comes. Right now I struggling more than usual but I have a lot of help available to me. I still fight every day to be strong.
I feel your pain so much. It's not easy at all going to court and then seeing the guilty right there, especially when nearly everyday you just want to crawl up in bed and just stay there.
ReplyDeleteI only spoke out about my abuse to my parents last year. It was really hard and I don't think they would still know if I didn't speak out on that day. That day I was also going to leave home for good because I couldn't take the fact they have never given me a life that i deserve even though they have their own problems.
After I spoke about my abuse they told me not to go to the police because of their own reasons but it didn't make sense what they was saying. I still went and I really did have to go no matter what happens. The police took all the legal proceadings and when October 2010 came I found out he not going to be charged because not even evidence.
Knowing he is not behind bars and he still is on the road just makes me more scared. Most of the time I am indoors scared to go out and I don't even have any friends at all. Just college people but they aren't really true friends.
Right now it's impossible for me to move on and even find a job. My mind isn't there so I know working even though I am 19 is just out of the question. First I need to be myself mind wise then I can go forward.
I really hope you the best with everything, I can feel your pain and I understand how hard it is to wake up and live normal everyday.